Dazed & Confused

What am I doing??

Dear reader,

Winter has still declined to show its face. I normally take great comfort in seeing the trees bud, but not in the middle of a New York January–a strange reminder that timing is important. I tell myself that I shall never again complain of a cold winter, now that I know how much worse this ominous warmth is.

I feel less clarity than I did last time I wrote to you. The great relief I felt at my change in direction was swiftly followed by uncertainty and confusion. I talked to so many people about it and at first that seemed helpful, but I soon found myself in a ‘too many cooks’ situation and quietly withdrew from such discussions. I thought the sudden revelation meant a Great Change was upon me, that I needed everything to be different immediately in order to fulfill this prophecy. I started looking at web design boot camps, job vacancies, average copywriter earnings. For a moment, I was seduced by the promise of an actual salary. More money than I’ve ever had in my life flashed before my eyes like cherries on a slot machine. I thought of all the things I could buy, the trips I could take, the treats and gifts I could lavish on my loved ones at the drop of a hat. Imagine not having to scan the shelves for the best prices at the supermarket, I thought. For a moment, it really seemed like this is what I had been missing. For a moment, I thought I had cracked the code. Only money! How simple!

My heart began to sink with every job alert that crossed my proverbial desk. The descriptions alone made me want to fling myself off a building. Most of them contained multiple paragraphs of increasingly unreadable jargon, all outlining in great detail their requirements and expectations and what exactly it is that I would do for them, though I noticed they were unbearably light on what they might do for me. I applied to the only thing that sounded remotely bearable, despite the fact that I couldn’t even parse what the company did, and received a cheerful auto reply and then crickets. The doubts crept stealthily over the threshold, not just about whether I would find my new career, but whether I even wanted one at all. Shouldn’t this feel good? Shouldn’t I be optimistic about my bright new future?

I started painting more to forget my anxiety. Soothing arrangements of circles in warm, cheerful colours began to fill my tiny apartment. I lost myself for hours in the process of mixing acrylics, applying coat after coat to paper and canvas, carefully following my pencil guidelines. After a while, I realised I hadn’t thought about "my career” at all. I stopped opening the job alerts. I stopped cruising the recruitment websites. I felt better for it.

The long and short of it is that I still don’t know what I’m doing, but who among us truly does? Periods of uncertainty are inevitable, instant change is unlikely (and possibly unnecessary), and solace can be found in the smallest things. Mix paint, dip brush, apply to canvas; repeat.

Until next time, my fine feathered friends.

xoxo

Emilie